| 2010 |
[04 Dec 2009|11:11am] |
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mood |
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 pleased |
] |
Another turn of the tide, this time one of which I will take advantage. The case I was hired to work on is finally settling. What this means for me is, my work here is done and starting January 1st, I'm out. Perfect timing. Ok yeah, less money is the first thing that popped into my head. However, that was immediately followed by a sigh of relief, because after working here for 6 months, I am ready to spread my wings and do something new. I feel like I've gotten all that I can from this job. The blueprint I have in mind is, - getting a part-job job somewhere fun (most likely not in an office, maybe retail again, I miss those days)
- volunteering (I've stumbled upon both an animal shelter and a reading to children program I am SUPER stoked on)
- finding out where my place in the field of law is (perhaps intern somewhere, or at the very least, research my interests)
- reading a hell of a lot more. off the top of my mind, topics of interest include: taoism, nietzsche, chomsky, fictional works I've been waiting to get my hands since freshman year of college
- a little bit of adventuring around socal. I want to discover for myself some hideaway spots. surround myself with nature.
- yoga and gym. getting back in touch with my active life
- taking a spanish class at lacc in feb. goal: fluency.
Basically, I want to finally do what I've wanted to do on my year off. The only hard part is being frugal with money, but I've discovered money doesn't move me as much as it is a tool of subsistence. I sort of stopped shopping. With all that money I was making I could have very well bought many things, but I didn't really. I mostly spent money on going out with friends to bars and dinner, bills, and about $800 on law school applications -- which are finally done by the way. Oh, and deferring my loan payments, which began this month. I hear you can defer for up up to three years, but I'll do it until I'm back in school again.
Anyway, bottom line is, I am looking forward to change. The only two things that I would love is a place of my own (a studio) and a job for I could start saving up to travel this summer. The former I will have to wait on, but the latter is doable as long as I keep my eyes on the prize. 2010 looks promising.
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| Soar high |
[25 Nov 2009|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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grateful |
] |
How is it that some people bring out the bitch in you while others make you want to be a better person...It really works like chemistry: two people mix together to form one connection. That connection can be positive or negative or somewhere in between, but every connection is unique to those two individuals. You click with some but not with others. Some you even click from the very second you meet them. I don't just mean love interests, but in terms of friendship as well. You have chemistry.
The key is to stamp out the people who make you a worse person. If that's not possible, you can try to somehow decrease their presence in your life or at the very least decrease the value of what they say and do. Why waste your time on them when there are people out there who make you want to be kind, open up your mind and heart, make you want to learn more and really live? And on top of that, they make you want to pass all this on to the people in your life. Those people don't want to hold you back; they encourage you to soar...
I am grateful for these people. Above all:
- My 4 best friends (The Fantastic Four) for always being there for me, being honest always, and reminding me that unlike many people, I have friends I am so proud of.
- My parents. My mom for listening to me figure out my life and making me laugh so often. My dad for taking care of the little things, showing me that despite his insanity, he loves me.
- My baby brother, for going to the grocery store or to get Yogurtland with me whenever. Basically, being a down ass brotha. And making me laugh with all those dorky jokes.
- Jessica, my sista from a different mista, for sharing so many amazing experiences with me (college, Italy, life post-college) and sharing my inner crazy.
- Antonio, for inspiring me with every conversation and allowing me to feel love, excitement, and immense attraction again.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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| Oceanic Freedom |
[24 Nov 2009|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
] |
The most incredible thing I've been feeling lately is the freedom of jumping in. I went to the beach Sunday and just took it all in: the tides, the sand, the sky, my life, my dreams, my emotions and thoughts. Just sat there for a good hour and breathed that fresh ocean air. Life's too short to care so much about things of so little importance. It all comes down to the most instinctual feelings anyway, the first pulse of stay or go. It's like that feeling of liberation when you're drunk and shed your inhibitions and live in the moment. It's even more refreshing when you're sober. Who cares if mistakes will happen, if things fall apart, if nothing comes of something. You took the step, you lived for what you wanted, and you tried. That's living. That's life.
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| Cmonnn |
[09 Nov 2009|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
] |
So, so close...I want to submit my applications a week from today. I want to finish my personal statement by Friday so my boss can proofread it and return it to me Monday. Both my letters of recommendation and transcript information is in, save for my SMC one, which is on the way. Ugh, I want these puppies out of my hands already!
In more positive news, work is going well. I still occasionally fuck up, but I am also improving my earlier mistakes. Scored some points with my boss last week when I caught an error on one of his drafted legal documents. But even so, I am very thankful he's patient with my mistakes.
In still more positive news, I sleep peacefully with sweet thoughts on my mind :)
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| Moving on |
[28 Oct 2009|11:38am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
It's amazing to me how some people hold on to the past so tightly, to the point that it becomes an anchor on their heart. I can't say I have never looked back, wondered, analyzed...but for some people, it's like a way of life. I know for a fact that you can never really move past what happened if you don't confront it and overcome it. I feel sorry for those people who just can't let go of what happened in the past, what was once said and done. They must have such a void in their soul.
Moving on. I love it. In April or so I wrote about how I wasn't going to recycle guys anymore, and well, I did. Sort of. It was hard because I had to literally fight myself not to do it, so of course I ended up doing it. But the amazing part is, now I have no feelings for a lot of those guys. It's the weirdest thing, because one of these intimacies has lasted years, but all of a sudden, in the moment, I completely lost interest and haven't looked back. That's the best, that feeling of completion, that you're just totally done with that junk. I also love being reminded of people's true colors when things get rough. Really snaps me back into reality and makes me remember why we stopped talking in the first place. People love to act like they're this wonderful thing, and that, but when the heat turns up, all of a sudden you see their insides, and boy are they messed up.
"he'll always come back as the man you dropped
he'll never come back as the man you loved"
- No, No, No by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Yup, pretty fuckin much!
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[26 Oct 2009|12:07pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
] |
The best way out is always through.
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| Apps, continued |
[22 Oct 2009|09:23am] |
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mood |
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strong |
] |
As I work on my applications, I'm realizing that life really is about turning lemons into lemonade. All the hardships you've been through, all the bullshit you've lived through, you can work that into something positive. Something inspiring. Step out of your life and look at it from across the street, and you'll see something different. And the more I think about it, the more I recognize the truth of this: what does not kill you makes you stronger.
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| Let Go |
[21 Oct 2009|09:43am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
] |
Okay, well despite earlier excitement, I'm still applying to about six other places, so we will see how this all pans out. I'm just enjoying life at the moment and looking forward with clarity.
It's funny, I was listening to the radio this morning and this one lady, happily married for many years now, wrote in a list of the top 5 things she would change if she could go back to her single life, and the top one was have more slutty sex. Other included less crying over guys who don't matter and traveling without feeling like you have to be in a couple. And then people called in and expressed the number one thing they would change, and so many women said have more sex. I guess women who "follow the rules" and/or women who are just dying for a relationship end up regreting not being more free with their sexuality. I kind of think I got that out of my system though... for now anyway! I think it's not about wanting one or the other, but just being true to what you really want at the moment and not sacrificing the present for some unforseeable future. Basically living in the moment, having no regrets, and letting go of some control. People are too serious, especially women. We need to loosen up! The universe always unfolds as it should anyway :)
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| Pepperdine |
[18 Oct 2009|05:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ecstatic |
] |
I finally decided where I want to go: Pepperdine Law School! I had been contemplating studying dispute resolution/mediation in addition to law, and Pepperdine is the only school in California that offers a joint degree program: JD and Masters in Dispute Resolution. AND, it's the number ONE school for dispute resolution! Even Harvard is 3. I am beyond excited!! I don't know too much about mediation yet, but the courses look fascinating and with a law degree to boot, I will have my options open as I learn more. Just when I was doubting my place in the field of law, I stumbled upon something amazing...
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| Tuesday |
[13 Oct 2009|02:41pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
] |
The important thing isn't that you made a mistake, but that you learned from it.
Work has gotten more intense. I'm covering more ground now, maintaining multiple projects and cases. I'm not used to being so detail-oriented, I'm more of a visionary, so I've screwed up some. But I know that as long as I work to improve as I go on, these dumb mistakes will happen less frequently. You have to be tough working in a law firm, have a certain personality. Sometimes I think I'm too soft to be a good lawyer, but on the other hand I don't think you have to harden your whole heart...just the part that pertains to business.
Started re-reading Catcher in the Rye, and I really love it. With this cozy gloomy weather, it's time to get comfortable for some good reading time.
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| Hurts so good |
[11 Oct 2009|08:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
Mmmm the pain of growth.
I finally went to the tarot card reader and a lot of it was shockingly true...The most amazing thing was, she didn't tell me information I didn't know; I already knew most of what she told me. I just wanted to hear someone else, this supposedly psychic gypsy who had never met me before, tell me these highly personal things. I believe.
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[30 Sep 2009|11:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."
- Paulo Coelho
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| Mmmda |
[29 Sep 2009|11:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sleepy |
] |
Sometimes it feels so good to be bad. To have secrets, and shadows, and the rush that feels amazing because it's so illicit. While other times, all you want is real goodness, something pure, something tangible you can build some hope on. There are a lot of gray areas in my life right now. No dlya vsevo svayo vremya.
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| Simmer |
[24 Sep 2009|10:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hot |
] |
If you don't feel alive, what are you?
We all just want to feel life surging though our veins.
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| Mishmash |
[21 Sep 2009|09:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
I woke up this morning to an eyeful of autumn weather. No sun, deep grey clouds, a visually convincing possibility of rain. Yet the forecast says it'll hit mid 80s by the end of the day. Bipolarity. That's kind of how I've been feeling lately too. I'm excited, annoyed, sometimes positive, sometimes negative, and sometimes not giving a fuck either way. I think it's the fact that I have something going for me that I love while simultaneously I find myself in place that I strongly dislike aka living with my explosive family again. I try to be out of the house as much as possible, but for some reason I've had some kind of slight edge toward people this weekend. Mostly guys. Fucking, as flattering as it is, can't a girl be social without getting asked for her number (which I don't even know how to politely respond "no") or getting stopped by a guy who practically chased me out of Trader Joe's asking if I was interested in being introduced to a friend of his, and getting poked on facebook by some other loser, and being text-bootycalled (is there no worse way?) after repeated responses of I'm Busy, Not Tonight?. And what about guys with girlfriends or some sort of partners talking to me "like that"? No. Respect yourself and your relationship and just Don't Do It. Shit, I sound like a bitch don't I? I'm just PMSing mostly. I'm (hopefully) getting my period in the next day or two, if my body loves me. Anyway, what I'm looking forward to is being beyond elation come Saturday and will commence celebration Saturday night, drinking myself silly. 3 months of agony will come to an end, Jesus. After that, the plan is to drive up to the Berk for a weekend, then take it easy for a while.
Also, happy birthday to my mommy. I'm so in awe of her. She's been waking up at 5:30 am every day to go to work so that she can get home early (for her), at 6:30pm. She is so amazing. While my dad is such a....no words. No positive words. I hate excuses, slackers, and deadbeats. I need to move out as soon as I can or I will go down with this ship.
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| Love this |
[17 Sep 2009|08:35pm] |
I believe-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive
them for that.
I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I believe-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I believe-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.
I believe-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.
I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I believe-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.
I believe-
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take
its place.
I believe-
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.
I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.
I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe-
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally.
different.
I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help.
I believe-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I believe-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
by unknown
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| VeHAYgas! |
[09 Sep 2009|05:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
I love Vegas. I came back totally changed, totally relaxed. I feel resurrected! Being back with my Rome girls was incredible! I don't think I had that much fun since...God I can't even remember. There is such a sense of adventure in our group, it's so unique to any of my other friendships. We all have that passion for living that I absolutely love in myself and in other people. I suppose traveling the world together will instill such a feeling in you lol. We're already planning a Tahoe trip for winter! But besides the company, Vegas itself was so sick. It's just a whole other world of non-stop fun: a Venetian suite, free entrance at Tao, Rhino strip club, penis shorts, making new friends-- can't wait to go back soon! Hopefully in October to take a break from doing my applications.
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| Decompress |
[03 Sep 2009|10:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
Okay, I've calmed down a good amount. The key is to get a grip of myself, not study or take tests while caffeinated (the jitteriness is very counterproductive), and to downsize the importance of the exam. Also, to practice consistently, but only when I am relaxed. I'm taking Sofia's and Mike's advice and getting away from studying for a few days to refresh myself and forget about it all for a little bit. I need to bring back my "fuck it, school isn't everything" attitude I had in high school. I don't know at what point I became so obsessive...honestly, it probably has a lot to do with the people I surrounded myself with the last year who over-hammered the importance of the graduate admissions exam into my head. People tend to try and de-stress by spreading their stress to those around them, whether accidentally or on purpose. But I've been trying to listen more to the more chill and visionary people, like Vi, Naushin, and my boss. Who you choose to surround yourself with is so important in situations like this.
SO, going to Vegas with my Italy roomies for a night tomorrow, and then driving back for Julia's sake bombing birthday Saturday night. I think some fun and tension release will be the perfect remedy. And after that, just breathe. It's all in me somewhere I think.
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| Inspiration |
[01 Sep 2009|10:16pm] |
The Dalai Lama's Instructions for Life:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's:
- Respect for self.
- Respect for others.
- Responsibility for all of your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
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| A dream deferred |
[01 Sep 2009|02:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
Okay well I think I'm going to have to take the LSAT again in December. This shit is ridiculous. This is one of the biggest challenges I've ever dealt with. I've been beating myself up about this exam, experiencing periods of not eating, not sleeping, not breathing...The most I can do is try my best, of course. Seems much easier in theory.
Thing is, is this even worth it? Because I'm not even 100% sure I want to even be a lawyer. I love so many things about it, it's true, but the bottom line is that, in general, I love helping people achieve their goals. So maybe this is a sign? Or is this a test? Either way, I'm trying not to freak out and just try my best and see where life takes me. Additionally, I am going to a tarot card reader in the next week. I'm a skeptic of the stuff, but maybe she will give me some insight.
All I know is this: there is more than one path to enlightenment. I just have to figure out what my path is. Maybe it's being a lawyer, but maybe it's something else. Gotta keep my energy up and my mind open.
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